Believe it or not, I've seen a large number of students completely check out during their 9th grade English class. As a teacher, it was challenging to help those students come back from failing because I only got to see them for an hour or so every other day. Plus, I had other students to teach. But parents (and tutors) get the privilege of working one on one with these students, which can completely change their trajectory. Here are some things to try when your teen is struggling:

1. Identify the root cause of the problem.

Getting low grades is not always indicative of a student's abilities. Start with asking them about their class, but don't settle for their first answer. In my experience, 14-year-olds are often hesitant to reveal the true problem. Give them options for what YOU think the problem could be. Is the teacher mean to you? Do you hate the book you're reading? Are you sitting next to someone who smells bad? Once you start getting closer to the real issue, you can validate their experience to make them feel safe enough to reveal even more information. This is not easy work, but you are more qualified to figure this out than they are.

2. Show them you understand and you care.

I need to emphasize how important validation can be when working with teenagers. They need to feel seen and understood in order to show up as themselves. As soon as you stop understanding them, a wall goes up. Eliminate the wall by showing up, even when you can tell they are mad at you, and letting them know that you care. Communicate to them that you want them to have a happy, healthy life, and you don't know how to help them unless they open up to you. If they can realize that you really do want the best for them, their walls will start to come down.

3. Set clear expectations with clear outcomes.

Sometimes teenagers want things that are not good for their long term success. Heck, sometimes adults do the same. As a parent, it is up to you to help them understand the consequences of their choices. If they stay up all night playing video games, they will not be able to focus during school, and they will fail their classes. If they fail their classes, they will have to go to school during the summer. If they drop out of school, they will live the rest of their lives struggling to find work. Use this as your reasoning for WHY we don't play video games all night. They need to be reminded of this information over and over again because the immediate feeling of happiness they get playing games (or being with friends, or scrolling on TikTok, etc.) is really hard to get over.

4. Hold them accountable.

If your teenager is getting a low grade in a class because they are staying up late playing video games, those games need to be removed. If they are ditching school to be with their friends, their mode of communication with their friends (their phone) needs to be removed. Although they are teenagers and they are really great at complaining or making a case for why they shouldn't be punished, they are still reliant on you. Without you, the games don't exist. Without you, the phone doesn't exist. So when they don't live up to your expectations, they need to be held accountable. They're throwing fart bombs in the hallway at school? Great, now they're cleaning all of the toilets in the house. Feel free to get creative, but please hold them accountable.

5. Celebrate every win (even little ones).

Once your teen starts to understand that they won't be getting away with their behavior, you will see them start to put in some effort. Make sure that you give them their props because, in my experience, freshmen thrive off of positive reinforcement. I had one student who would play video games during class because he didn't know how to start writing an essay. When he showed up to office hours, I was stunned, but I made sure to let him know how happy I was that he was there. And he stayed! I sat down with him and helped him write his first essay. It was not the best essay ever written by any means, but I was SO proud of him and I let him know it. After that, he started working on his essays DURING class instead of waiting for office hours. He also ended up passing the English 1 STAAR as a non-native English speaker. That's the power of positive reinforcement.

If you're still struggling after following these steps, this doesn't mean that you are failing as a parent and your teen is broken. You are trying your best, your teen is trying their best, and there is some sort of miscommunication or misunderstanding happening between you. That's where a tutor can help bridge the gap. I can hold both perspectives, and I can help your teen build the skills they need to communicate with you in a way that you will understand. Plus, I can help them overcome the hurdles they are facing at school. You don't have to do this alone!

Further Reading...